Before I start this blog this morning I want to put a disclaimer out there:
**This blog is an outlet for me to let go of somethings that happen in my life.It is a tool that I am using for stress relief. It is not intended to hurt ANYONE. And it is about MY thoughts and feelings...not the lord or any other higher power that is saying this is true, right, or the law. So, if you cannot read this with an open mind, and with all of your own personal agendas aside, please stop now.**
I am not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be. My life has it's ups and it's downs just like anyone elses does. But I am who I am and if you were to know me, you would know that I would NEVER intentionally hurt anyones feelings. I hate to admit this, but I am a people pleaser. You could do the meanest things to me, or say the meanest things behind my back and in most cases, I won't stand up for myself. I would rather bite my tounge and shrug it off and tell myself that maybe you were having a bad day and needed someone to lash out on or use as scapegoat to draw the attention away from you, than act out and deliberately try to make you dislike me more. This is ME.
This is what I have learned since I have became a mother. I don't have to take the negativity. My life is much to short to let silly childish problems get in the way. I will never be able to please everyone. Nobody will, and I can accept that.
Since I have became a mother, my life has been put under the microscope by everyone around me. I have been told everything from my childs too clean, to my childs too dirty. I have been told to stand up for myself and then to stop being a bitch. I have been told that I am an overprotective mother and a negletive one at the risk of being investigated by CPS on the same day by the same person. I will NEVER make everyone happy, and I can accept that.
What I do have control over is MY happiness. And lately I have let it slip away. I haven't been true to myself and my feelings and its time for that to change.
I am truly sorry to everyones whos feelings were effected by my last blog. I never ment to offend anyone by using the phrase "low-income neigborhood". When I typed that, I never thought anyone would care. I live there, don't I? If I thought it was THAT bad, I wouldn't have stayed there as long as I have. So if I hurt you, then I am sorry. But YOU should be sorry too. Ever since the first day that I stepped foot in the Valley I have been told how horrible of a place Salinas is. I have heard it so many times that I started to believe it. And never once did I get all worked up and offended and tell anyone how I really feel, because thats not me. I'm a people pleaser, remember. Well guess what, I know that Salinas is always on the news for gang shootings and violence, but what town isn't? Maybe the rural ones because the news reporters are too lazy to make the drive. But Salinas is my hometown. I know that there is violence and I know that you have to understand a little spanish to navigate through it, but whats so wrong with that? Some of these "Spanish speaking gangters" are my best friends. And "SALAS" isn't that bad of a place. I loved my life more than anything growing up there and my best friends still live there and are doing really GREAT things with their lives. Growing up in Salinas has taught me to except people for who they are instead of judging them. I guess my point is, the whole drama that occured yesterday on facebook is a great example of the pot calling the kettle black. My mother and father have always told me to treat others as you would want to be treated and I wish that more people out there lived by this motto.
Here is the bottom line. I fell in love with someone who grew up in a completely different world than I did. And I fell in love with his world because it is what made him who he is. But I am different too, and sometimes it's hard to make two different lifestyles come together, but we managed to do it. Or we did. And we were happy with our lives. And somehow, we have let the critisism from others get between that. I don't know what the future will hold for my little family, but I do know that they are all that matters. And from this day forward, if you have a problem with that, then fuck you. Go home and write it in your journal or post it in your own blog, but don't try to bring my family down because you don't really understand it. You don't need to understand it.
I will walk away from this experience knowing that whatever happens in the future, I will be happy. And those of you who aren't I am sorry. I hope that you can find what makes you happy in your life, because I have found what works for me, and I will no longer be trying to help you figure out what is going to work for you.
This blog was another generallization not directed at any one person in particular. But, if after reading this you feel like I have singled you out, then I suggest that you take a long look at yourself in the mirror.
- I approve of blog therapy, even if it gets you in trouble with people who are over sensitive and maybe self consious about their own bad decisions.
ReplyDelete- I can be extremely judgmental and critical of other parents (I try not to be, promise) and you've slipped past my radar so I think you must not be doing too bad ;)
- If someone found your last blog offensive (I missed whatever drama happened) then they need to get over temselves. I could have written the EXACT same blog about my neighborhood (even though I live on a nice street in a *groan* too expensive house) but I bet if we went trick-or-treating in Toro Park we would have had a better experience.
- I plan on living in Salinas forever. This was my plan when I was a senior in high school, I never intended to leave and I never plan to. There's a lot that suck in Salinas. I hate that I am half wondering if I'm going to be a victem of some gang initiation when I'm out for a run. I hate that I have to think about the fact that Milo's bedroom is at th front of the house so if there was a drive-by his room may be hit first. I hate that there is so little diversity in the local schools, everyone is hispanic. I hate that after spending $500g on a beautiful house there was a gang murder 3 doors down. There is a lot to hate. But... this is where I grew up. I drive by the house I grew up in, the tree I had my first kiss under, our first apartment, my high school... every day. I love the feilds, and everytime I see broccoli or caulifour I think of how Mr. Watje tought us how to tell the difference and I get a little teary thinking of those days. We are close to Monterey and Carmel, San Jose and San Francisco, to the beach and the mountains. I'm close to all of my family, and most of my friends. There's a lot to love, I've actually had a post sitting in my saved file for 2 months on this very topic, perhaps I should get around to posting.
So glad you are deciding to share yor thoughts. It can be a drama causer, but sometimes you find people who agree with you and it feels better... it's better than feeling a lone in thoughts.
...totally not going to spell check this, Milo just woke up, so sorry about the spelling.
Cori, Thank you for that comment. I had no idea how seriously people would be taking my blogs. I really feel like I am constantly being criticized and this just gave some people one more piece of me to pick apart.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about Salinas, however I have been trying to tell myself that I hated it because that was what everyone else was telling me. The bottom line is that my family chose Salinas to live in and who am I to say that they were wrong? Almost all of my friends live in Salinas too, and they are all wonderful people. There will be bad seeds in every town. You can take the girl out of "Salas" but you can't take the "Salas" out of the girl :)